I faced my own Demons.

I don’t know if you can feel the heavy Scorpionic energy this month, but the shadow work, that underbelly, has been coming to the surface. I have a 0° Scorpio Rising, and I am surrounded by Scorpios—so I feel it deep! When you have a planet/ascendant at 0°, you embody the purest, most stereotypical aspects of that sign. Some even believe that 0° means you are JUST starting a new aspect of your soul journey, similar to Tarot, card zero is the Fool. And to dial this up to the max— I also have Pluto in my 1st House; Pluto IS the shadow planet. A planet of extremes—the sign of deep transformation—in the house of self:

Every Thursday, my Scorpio bestie, Chelsea, and I meet up for a workday. We focus on tasks together and try to get as much done as possible while motivating each other, with little Tarot card/smoke breaks in between. I suggested that we do a meditation from The Triad Mind.

Those of you who watched my interview with Mark Certo know about The Triad Mind. Mark was one of the original sound engineers to work on The Gateway Experience, the CIA’s collaboration with Robert Monroe back in the '70s to study OBE and remote viewing. Mark played a pivotal part in re-creating the Hemi-Sync technology after the CIA program shutdown. Now, he has his own platform, The Triad Mind, where he uses Hemi-Sync and the last 40-50 years of meditation experience to take you on transformative explorations into the subconscious mind and beyond.

Typically, for Hemi-Sync or Binaural Beats to work, you should be wearing headphones. Instead, we just placed my laptop between us and both got comfortable on the couch. Chelsea’s 20-year-old orange cat practically sat on top of the laptop for a nap, and the meditation began.

Even without headphones, I was quickly transported to a strange place. My body was completely relaxed—numb, to a hypnotic level. Internally, I was far from calm, my mind was running, my heart was racing, and my internal dialogue was mocking me. I couldn’t feel my body at all, but my mind felt like a Gaspar Noe film.

I can only recall the low-hanging fruit because some of the ideas were so complex that they disappeared once I opened my eyes. I had just watched the Season 7 Finale of Rick and Morty, and it was about ‘The Hole.’ The scariest place in the galaxy is a Denny’s bathroom where a Hole in the ground brings you face-to-face with your deepest and darkest fear. I was getting impressions of that episode, which was actually brilliant and well done. I highly suggest you watch it. But it was a bit disturbing experiencing it during a meditation that had gone off the rails.

Then in my meditation, I started getting a lot of impressions of my friend Brittany Bento and the video that she had recently posted on YouTube. On December 31, I posted Part 2: When Possession Strikes, what NOT to do here on Substack, which is the story of my ex-boyfriend getting possessed by a demon. The next day, Brittany came out with a YouTube video that she recorded on December 31 about her own experience with ‘demonic possession.’ The synchronicities were wild. I’m going to link her video here because it is truly beautiful the way that she described it.

Brittany visited me in LA during the summer, and we also had a slumber party in San Diego. She's a dear friend, and I truly admire her ability to be candid and open without the fear of how others perceive her. In the summer of 2023, Brittany was guided on an incredible journey, allowing spirit to take the wheel and share her transformative experience online. She delved into channeling and mediumship. Due to my experience with my ex, I offered her unsolicited advice: be cautious, I didn’t believe in demonic possession until I witnessed it.

Brittany reassured me that she didn't believe in demons—only light exists. I agreed, she ain’t wrong about that. In her YouTube video, she discusses how her disbelief in demons allowed her to genuinely heal a deep aspect of her Shadow Self. If she had a fear of demons, she might have not been able to face the unconscious parts of her ego. She emphasizes that there's nothing to fear because demons are our own creations. While I'll tell her message in my own words, I strongly recommend watching her video to hear her perspective firsthand.

Brittany describes how we can have a core wound, something deep down your own rabbit hole in the pits of your past. In her example, she talks about issues with body image and how her family's projections caused this wound around her self-image. Our wounds don’t need to be villainous or abusive, in her case pointing out body differences between people with different body types while she was growing into her own. Then in 2013, she got involved in a fitness competition, and the deep wound that had been in her was now being fed, given attention and even taking the power back from the pain this wound had caused her. But instead of feeding that wound with nourishment and healing, it was fed junk food and poison. So it was breathing life into a wound; however, when you fill it with toxic validation that comes from unhealthy habits, that wound grows into a ‘demon.’

Imagine a feral child, and the only attention it was given was negative reinforcement, or only positive rewards were for negative behavior. Now imagine that feral child is a fractal of yourself, a part of your story, a soul fragment that stays trapped there. The rest of our personality grows and develops around that and even protects that feral child. That feral child stays in the basement to prevent ever being hurt or triggered again.

Back to Brittany’s story—over the last couple of years, as she started to be recognized for her gifts as a psychic and channeler, it was almost like that demon/wound was being fed again. She explains how this was a part of herself that, in a way, she created to protect herself. It wasn’t some outside “demonic” force that came and took over her. It was a deep wound that grew into something that eventually took over the personality. It doesn’t mean that her personality became demonic; it means the coping mechanisms that developed to protect that wound will eventually become our personality.

Brittany can describe it as a demonic possession, which can be taken literally or symbolically. At the same time, Joe Dispenza describes the very same thing: what we believe to be our personality is actually just a series of patterns and events. Our personality is a lot of coping mechanisms that just pile on top of each other, and eventually, we view this as our unique voice and perspective in the world. But it's a part of ourselves that puts up walls and boundaries to prevent us from being hurt.

I have also heard Teal Swan describe this as a Self-Rejector. In some way, we see our likes, dislikes, traits, and quirks as who we are, but really, it's a part of ourselves that is so afraid of being rejected that it rejects us first. Instead of feeling left out on Friday nights, the self-rejector/the personality/the demon protects our ego by viewing yourself as an introvert and not liking people much anyway. You can even pride yourself on not enjoying social settings, but is that the fullest form of the life you are meant to live? Or is there a protector inside of you saying stay home, isolate… you won't be hurt that way.

Ironically, you ARE MORE HURT because you perpetuate the very isolation that causes pain, feeding the wound with poisonous food.

Brittany’s video was a breakthrough for me and I immediately reached out to her to say how brave she was to share something like this as someone who does psychic work. Many people would be embarrassed to share this, but she knows that she is being guided to share her journey because it is going to help others along the way. And BOY DID IT HELP ME.

Now, fast forward to that Thursday last week when my friend Chelsea and I decided to do this Mark Certo meditation, and stuff started bubbling up from the deepest parts of my subconscious mind—the entire story that happened to Brittany combined with this Rick and Morty episode about conquering your darkest fears. I felt almost like I was being taunted in a scary dream, where another part of my mind started making fun of me, saying, "And you didn’t even realize that this could happen to you!”

“For all these years, when people talk about entities and attachments, you always thought—never me. Never me… how clever. That’s how powerful the shadow is, so big and dark that you can’t even fathom its existence because you think that’s as bright as it gets.”

YIKES, wow. Not only called out—a bit horrified. About 25 minutes into this meditation, finally my heart stops racing and all this crazy stuff stops flashing through my head. Finally, I felt calm for the last few minutes. The meditation ends, and I instantly hear Chelsea moving around and taking deep sighs.

I look over at her, and she’s holding her head in her palms. She looked over at me and said, "Dude. That shit felt like a bad trip."

I said, "Oh my God! You’re right! That shit was a bad trip." I start to tell her about the Rick and Morty hole, and she’s like, "Oh, I saw the hole." She works in the astral realms so I’m not surprised she picked up my aggressive-ass astral breakthrough.

From then onward, we were both busy as hell. My ex-boyfriend, the comedian Jim Norton, was in town with his wife, Nikki, and they were filming stuff for their YouTube channel. So naturally, I’m going to be in the background of the stuff they are filming because they’re some of my best friends. And, straight from that, we go into the Conscious Life Expo.

Friday was awesome. My friend put me in touch with a documentary filmmaker who is working on a project about subcultures, and they were following me around on Friday. Then my good friend Evan Nathaniel Grim, the astrologer, gave his lecture on Friday evening at around 7 PM. And his whole lecture is about how your birth chart in astrology is not only your personality. It is more so an event chart of your parents having a child, and all of your ancestral and familial trauma can be seen in the birth chart. So during this, not only are me and Chelsea already completely wiped out, going on like 15 hours, but we start pulling out our birth charts and seeing all of this trauma. Chelsea is a Scorpio, Evan is a Scorpio too, and so is Brittany. This deep, transmuting energy of deep underlying wounds has been stirring up. By the time we got home on Friday night, it was around 1 AM. I was only able to sleep a couple of hours and then back up the next day to record with Jim and Nikki, then strai ght to the Conscious Life Expo. So I’m on another full day with only about two hours of sleep, and we are completely burnt out.

So Chelsea says she wants to go downstairs to this kombucha stand. Going down the escalator at Conscious Life Expo is called The Rabbit Hole, it’s part of the convention where they have more truth-seeker and conspiracy-type speakers. This year it had a very underbelly energy, not dark, just shadow self. Scorpionic. This is not like a regular conference. These are all the world's healers, activators, disruptors, generators, reflectors, starseeds, grifters, frauds, and sociopaths. This is an extreme environment.

When we get in the line, she says, "Look at this guy." The guy behind the kombucha stand is just a happy hippie guy, in his own world, unbothered by the line or the timing of it all. Happily looking at a cup in his hand, enjoying its beauty.

When I look at the happy, kombucha hippie, my stomach drops. He looks identical to my ex-boyfriend, the one that was possessed. Everyone asks for an update on that—sadly, it’s worse than you guys might expect. After everything his family tried helping him, but he kept refusing their help and he insisted on becoming homeless. It’s really tragic, and he comes from a really good family who did everything to help him. So when I saw this kombucha guy looking like the higher timeline of my ex, this is probably who he would be if he didn’t make all of those decisions. There he was, a healthy, happy version of him… it could’ve been him— the same way I am at these conferences. He could’ve easily had a successful kombucha stand.

I’m beyond exhausted, and my general guard was not up like usual… so this just hit me right in the stomach and the heart, and I feel like I’m gonna cry instantly. Chelsea suggests I take a quick lap around, and she’ll just grab her beverage and meet with me in a minute.

So I do a little lap around feeling overwhelmed. I know I’m just exhausted and it’s harder to suppress emotions when you’re already exhausted and feel like crying just because you want to sleep. I circle back around, and she’s still in the same place in line and it looks like someone else is in front of her.

So then I circle around again, and I end up on some woman’s booth who is doing iridology. That’s when you read someone’s iris. Apparently, you can tell a lot by looking at someone’s eyeball up close. And I would soon find out how true the statement "the eyes are the window to the soul" truly was.

The iridology woman says, "Hey, are you interested in doing a reading?" Just at that moment, a mother and her son walk up to the booth to my left…. I say, "Oh, I’m not sure if I’m going to do it. Are you guys going to do it?"

The iridology woman says, "Oh, they’ve already done it. That’s how I met Noah," gesturing to the young man. He seemed about teenage years, maybe 17, and he was with his mom. He was very socially awkward, I would say, autistic-seeming, and he was looking around in all different directions and not seeming to connect much socially.

I looked back at the iridology woman, and she said, "Noah has healer’s eyes." So I glimpse back at him, and holy shit, dude.

What first seemed like someone socially awkward and distant when I looked into his eyes, more looked like he was reading me, his eyes were looking at my auric field around me, and it was almost as if he looked horrified. I was in a very weird emotional state at that moment, but when I was looking at him looking at me, I felt so exposed like I was naked. And even worse, it was like not only did he walk in on me naked he looked horrified at what he saw! I felt beyond exposed.

I’m like what the heck is going on right now why do I feel like something weird is happening between us, so I dart my eyes back to the iridology woman and she says, "Oh yeah, he’s the silent type." Oh, right, so I look back at him and try to stare into his eyes longer like I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe trying to have a staring contest in some way… as I was looking into his eyes, I was getting impressions inside of my mind.

From a third-person perspective, I saw a large figure on my left side, towering over my left shoulder and above my head. This creature was a dark, feminine energy… It was wrathful, it was scorned, it was militant. It seemed calcified. It was almost Godzilla-like but it was a woman.

I’m like what the heck is going on here? I stop looking into this damn seer’s eyes because he freaking saw me… and I freaking ran away from him just at that moment Chelsea comes running towards me and she doesn’t have any kombucha. She’s like, "Come on, we need to get the heck out of here. I don’t know what’s going on in this place there’s some weird energy." So naturally we start yelling and run upstairs and I bring us to a low-key secret spot in one of the hallways where we just sit on the carpet and at this point it’s about 6 PM on Saturday and we’ve been going for two days straight. I started to spill the beans on all of my stuff—a lot of really deep wounds, stuff that is so deep that everything else grew on top of them.

Then Jim and Nikki invited us to dinner so we left and this was the first time Chelsea got to meet them, so it was like a communion of my best friends. He was also interesting for Chelsea to see the dynamic between me and Jim because we are extremely close like family. We went to dinner in Beverly Hills and we were directly across from my old job so we stopped in for a few minutes and said hello this was the job that I left in April 2021 when I took that path to follow my dreams. So we get back in my car and we get less than halfway home and I start having a meltdown.

I felt like the last 20 years of my life. I dated Jim like 17 years ago, this job that I had, and then an entire day with my new life as JK Ultra… I just started crying in the car. I felt overwhelmed. It felt like 20 years compressed into one day. I felt like I lived a whole month in one day. I was tired. I was exhausted and what the fuck… that fucking kid looking into my soul, peering into me like that, and what was that that I saw? WHAT HE DID SEE??

So Chelsea brought me back to her place, and as you guys know, she practices shamanism, so I was in good hands. On the drive, I told a lot of stories, and filled a lot of blanks into very deep wounds.. she said now she finally understands the medicine and how to finally fix this.

Once I am at her house and she is burning incense around me. I came to the realization that was started on Thursday with impressions about Brittany’s possession experience to then me being pushed to the absolute oblivion of exhaustion to where I have no guard at all, and that this kid could just see right through me, and reflect me back to myself. The kid's a freaking disruptor, a reflector—he put a mirror up to my own’s Soul—a true seer. He needs better bedside manner though!!

And now at about 11 PM on Saturday night while hugging Chelsea‘s dog, I realized, that this part of myself has been so clever and it has been there all along.

I was not always this militant reptilian Godzilla wrathful energy that had been on my left side but the wound this grew from has been with me my whole life.

It is also the wound that developed into the strong, tough, confident traits that I have believed to be my personality up until this point.

The reason that I’ve always had this fixation with darkness or this interest in dark things and alternative/goth/edgy things is that those wholesome/Disney/vanilla things didn’t seem safe. It doesn’t feel safe to be in Seventh Heaven when you have a crazy dysfunctional family where everyone hates each other. In reality, everyone was just trying to survive. You might look at dark people as on the wrong path but they feel safer being in scary, dangerous, or dark taboo places than bring in love and wholesome places without feeling loved.

The wounds that were so deep in the sewer of my subconscious have been coming up for a week and I don’t feel comfortable sharing them, but the way that Brittany’s experience allowed me to gain a whole new perspective on myself makes me realize how important it is to share these things. Also, why am I uncomfortable, am I supposed to be above the human experience? I am definitely not above the human desire to be liked.

I am very well-liked and I am socially accepted. I’m a Leo, I have a lot of friends and I get along with everybody…. is that a wound turned into a personality/coping mechanism/demon that developed that way because I felt so not loved in my family? I was always really ashamed of that. What if people found out that I wasn’t really loved by my family? Now, I’ve gone through so much healing and I understand my family does love me. Of course, they do. We were all fucking traumatized, and everybody was just trying their best and trying to survive. We somehow SURPRISINGLY turned out less fucked up than all the people who had lives we were jealous of.

I’ve done a lot of the healing on things that caused trauma, however, I’m still walking around with the demons that were created from it.

Now I want to clarify again… when I’m saying demons I’m not saying I’m possessed or anything and this is a different experience than what happened to my ex-boyfriend, who was in psychosis. It is also different than Brittany’s experience based on what she said in her video. Thankfully hearing her story allowed me to see this now instead of letting this continue limiting me for the years to come.

Its not a demon like the exorcist, its this part of myself that has made me beleive I need to be cool calm collected, easy-going, hard to hurt my feelings and being strong-willed are actually traits that come from this wound getting toxic validation, which eventually takes over.

As Joe Dispenza says, your habits turn into a personality, and then you are convinced this is just who you are. Most of us double-down on the idea of “who we are.” How much of those habits and dislikes secretly came from avoiding pain or rejection.

No matter what you think of her… Teal Swan, is a shadow worker and my friend (another Scorpio) suggested I watch some of Teal’s videos for an even clearer perspective on what i was going through. She calls it a self-rejector, so say, for example, as someone who has all of these issues around being loved, and being worthy, I quickly developed at a very young age, even toddler level a strong sense of confidence, a loud voice, I needed to speak my mind and needed to be heard. I needed to be defiant. I needed to be rebellious. That wound led me to create almost an entity or a personality that was mostly reactionary and a coping mechanism will take over the entire personality.

Let’s say now that the personality I’ve developed makes me emotionally unavailable. It makes me numb so when I am in a romantic situation, I’m disconnected and that is a way of protecting myself from being hurt— that demon or self-rejector convinces me that being emotionally unavailable prevents someone from hurting me but actually, it is attracting the very person who would hurt me. This demon or this personality of being too cool for school has actually also robbed me of a lot of positive experiences or new skills that I could’ve learned because I was afraid of looking stupid. Think of the number of life experiences that could have gone differently if you weren’t worried about being embarrassed or looking stupid.

I had just poured all of this out and I looked at Chelsea and said, all of these things are the things that have made me successful, these things make me Jenn.

She could see right through me— just like that young seer. She saw right beyond everything I was saying she saw the energy that was in the room and I will never forget the look on her face when she said, “I can’t believe this thing is trying to fucking negotiate with me right now.”

Again, I felt so exposed. I was exhausted my guard was so down that I couldn’t see myself. But I could see myself through others, and when Chelsea said this thing is trying to negotiate with her, I thought holy shit I’ve been negotiating with this thing, for my entire life, there’s so many experiences that I prevented myself from feeling or enjoying so many times I didn’t dance because I didn’t want to look stupid, the dumb karaoke that I would never sing, the food I wouldn’t eat because it doesn’t meet my moral standards, all of it, this whole entire personality. It has served me well, but I want to live beyond this. The protector has protected me from being hurt, but has also limited my experiences, I’ve been emotionally unavailable in most relationships and then I wonder why my relationships turn out the way that they do this protector is not protecting me anymore.

Now, I was too fucking exhausted to do anything about it on Saturday night— not like Chelsea is going to perform a shamanic soul retrieval and quantum healing on me when we are both in this state. So, I go back to Conscious Life Expo AGAIN the next day, which is Sunday. I’m right back with the seers, the healers, etc… but now I feel almost as if I’m in a dreamlike state after going into the pits of my soul. I end up hiding out at the Galactic Federation of Light Clothing Brand’s booth, they are truly like family to me. I love them so much—the owner has his two daughters running the company with him but he’s kind of a father to the whole younger generation of the spiritual community. So that’s where I finally met BrianaMystic and Kristen Such and we chatted and poured out the depths of our souls as everyone packed up their booths. I told them about the situation with my ex and also this shadow experience I was in the THICK of at that very moment. After hearing what happened to my ex, Kristen looks at Briana and said “Sounds like some Stargate shit.” — I said… Wait, how did you know that?! The alien-reiki healer dude that did that 5D activation on me days before all of this—he used a Stargate. Now dont get too excited—it’s a brass or copper sacred geometry sculpture that is said to be a 12th dimensional healing device. Like I said about that whole thing… believe it or not! But how the HELL did she know?! She said because when she worked with a Stargate, if also spiraled her into rock bottom and then built up in the better timeline. (You’re gonna think I’m a madman after all of this, but I went back to the Expo on Monday too but that’s my interview with Linda for another post)

After several more days of working with this energy, I did a lot of reflection. I saw myself. I saw that the very thing that I thought was my protector was actually my prison guard. I saw that it was the very thing that was preventing me from greatness… all while I thought this is what made me so great. I felt like I had taken myself out of this cage.

I went from seeing it as something external, a demon, a protector, to realizing it’s not an external force—it’s me. I created this. I called it forth. I allowed it to manifest, in my every move, in my every reaction and I’ve allowed it to mold me for my entire life. And in that moment, I took my power back. I no longer needed this energy to protect me. I could protect myself. I could make my own choices, and I can be honest with myself.

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light"- Plato.

If you continue to look outside of yourself… the dark forces, the false light, the matrix… you will be too distracted to look inside.

It was time to look inside of myself at my own wounds, my own darkness, my likes and dislikes, my opinions of things, and how much of my experience is a result of that self-rejector trying to prevent pain.

I felt it was appropriate to write a letter to this entity if you could call it that:

Dear soul fragment that has protected me,

I am writing to the part of myself that has turned from a coping mechanism into a personality.

I want to start by saying it’s OK to forgive; I have forgiven so many of the actions and people that caused me to become the person that I am. Even though I have forgiven others, I was still holding onto the effects of those wounds. Unlike a Sci-Fi movie— where you can kill the godhead-overlord and all the things caused by it automatically go back to the way they were… in real life, we can forgive those core wounds but the way that affected our decisions after that moment doesn’t magically go back to perfect-town.

I want to say thank you for making me as—cool as fuck; thank you for making me not give a shit if anyone agrees. That’s the personality speaking. Being “cool” is brave when you are young but at my age of 35 being cool can be cowardly. Being a cringe-dork wierdo who enjoys the moment is more brave in a lot of ways.

I had an issue with this other TikToker named AlexServes, I only include her name because I’m going full disclosure here… seems weird to be evasive about who when I’m referring to everyone else by name. Not to get into the whole thing, but after we ended our friendship, she went on a long rant on Instagram stories that people sent me clips from. One of the things she talked about was how I’ve always been a “cool-girl” in her words… “that I never struggled,” I assumed she meant socially.

My immediate reaction was don’t you realize being cool is a coping mechanism to prevent anyone from hurting you? Being cool as a cucumber and having nerves of steel usually means that a person never had a safe place to be corny, sound dumb, or make mistakes. Seeing myself as too cool for certain things was mostly excluding myself from more wholesome situations that would shine a light on the fact that I didn’t really have love and support. Darkness is more predictable, being brave in the dark gives you purpose— feeling poor and left out of “normal family” activities makes you feel awful. Being “cool” is a survival mechanism, everyone picks a different flavor, Some people are super intelligent because they escaped in books.

The reason I hated Disney and all of these childlike things is that I didn’t grow up in a loving household. I understand now that my mom was severely depressed after the divorce, and that’s why she didn’t get dressed, get out of bed, or cook food for us at times. I’ve forgiven those things 10 times over and my mom relentlessly protected and defended me like the Leo she is. I would not be who I am today if my mom didn’t think I was an artist. But there’s still a part of my personality developed from that coping mechanism that remains. When I’m in wholesome family situations, or celebrations of love and family I feel like I want to claw the heck outta there.

Oh right still writing a letter to this demon— I would like to thank this demon for making me so defiant, opinionated, motivated, and confident. These are all traits that I developed because I had to… but I am beyond grateful for them, and I believe that I can keep these traits, but release the wound that caused me to believe I had to show up this way in ALL social situations. Now I can use these qualities when needed… and not need to be defiant when someone is trying to be close to me. That’s again where the protector becomes the rejector.

You know, we can’t go any further without thanking this damn demon for making me funny… even though this post has deeply lacked humor. Although we are treading into humilating memories territory…

I understand my need to joke about everything comes from, again, trying to avoid hurt. Even at this point in my life, when I was pouring my deepest demons out to Chelsea in the car, I couldn’t help but crack jokes. I’m always gonna do that, (hehe) but I need to acknowledge the wounds that prevented me from sitting in those feelings. The self-protector shifts me from negative emotions to positive with a laugh… but also at the same time the self-rejecter prevents me from feeling things that could lead to a more enriching life overall. Which is sad.

I want to thank my demons for making me the weirdest type of feminine. I truly love this masculine/feminine archetype that I am. I have a lot of masculine energy and I’m grateful for that. But I realize that it is my demon who had to become the father that I didn’t have. The self-protector in me as a little girl felt the responsibility to be the man of the house. The self-rejector continues to battle feminine and masculine energy with my partners, causing gender dynamics and general dissatisfaction towards men. That rejector prevents me from being hurt by a man ever again. But it also prevents me from truly finding the right man who could be what I need. Being emotionally unavailable seemingly prevents me from getting hurt but that behavior attracts the exact type of men that will hurt me.

I want to thank this demon for the crazy, extremely hilariously, fun life that I have lived. Because this deep self-worth wound led to so much self-sabotage, and that made my life like a Quentin Tarantino movie. This self-sabotaging behavior has led to getting arrested, being in police raids, working in illegal businesses, doing drugs, going to these Illuminati sex parties lol I still gotta tell you guys about that… and so much crazier stuff that I can’t even reveal yet… this self-worth wound has written quite the story of my life. Yeehawww.

But at the same time, this wound is the reason I got myself kicked out of school, the reason I never went to college, the reason I’ve had a debaucherous sexual lifestyle; it’s the reason why whenever I moved up at a job, I would quit—because it’s not exciting me and it’s not my passion. This self-worth wound is the reason why I haven’t finished so many projects, why it took me 10 years to finish my book, and why I ran away from my dreams because of other people’s behavior. It was there when I turned down opportunities simply because I felt slighted or not valued. And thats why we have to be brave enough to look at it because the wound can cause behavior that leads us to MORE wounds. The people who REALLY spiral out of control, have compounded wounds, more rejectors, more demons, or a more stubborn personality.

Please don’t misunderstand me saying these things as good or bad… the entirety of this cannot be divided into good or bad. Something as horrible as a self-worth wound has led to some of the worst moments of my life, but also led to my strongest qualities that I am loved and respected for. I’m not saying this thing is evil and needs to be banished; I’m taking an honest look at what has been driving my actions for the last 35 years, and even though I am very proud of myself, I want to experience more than this. I want to laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed, I want to love deeper than I’ve ever loved, I want to be able to trust more than I’ve ever trusted, I want to be able to attract a partner that doesn’t re-open every single wound and pour salt in it.

Let’s really dig into the wounds here…

Here’s another example: I’m sure a lot of you resonate with this. I was in the choir at my school, mostly because my best friend was a singer. So I tried out for a solo one day because my friends did… and I froze up and sounded horrible. I’ve pretty much been uncomfortable with expressing any creativity through music since then.

Another example is when I was in sixth grade… there was a school dance. I’m sure almost everybody reading has some type of trauma from a school dance. Evem the trauma of NOT going. They’re pretty much breeding grounds for psychological distress and personality disorders in adults; somebody needs to survey that. Anyway, where I grew up, I was one of the only white people, my neighborhood was predominantly Latino, and also large Hindu and Muslim communities. So at the school dance, all the Latina girls knew how to dance salsa and merengue, and how to do all these cool 90s dance moves like the crybaby lol whiping out moves like Aaliyah.

I already felt uncomfortable dancing because when I was younger, my mom could not afford dance school. And in the '90s, that was oddly really popular.  For one year I actually got to go to one dance class, so I picked acrobatics. (I will do a cartwheel for $100 lol.)  So at the 6th grade school dance, I already felt like I couldn’t dance and everyone there had God-given rhythm. I was able to mimic the foot movements, but I didn’t know what to do with my hands. All of the girls were kind of doing sexy stuff with their hands, looking like TLC.  I tried to mimic that, and the next day people were ragging on me for my hand movements lol, rightfully so, but I pretty much never danced after that. When I first moved to LA, I did the club-promoter scene, so I did a little bit of reclaiming that power. When I moved to LA, there were a lot of white people here. So the rhythm bar is a little lower than just an average sixth-grade class in Jersey City. No offense, but compared to these Minnesota girls… I did have some moves. But that was short-lived. I’ve been in LA for over 12 years now and have hardly danced in the last decade.

This is a silly Fucking self-worth wound. I don’t feel left out by not dancing. I feel safer by being protected from embarrassing myself. But I want to go deeper in this life. I’m 35 years old, and Joe Dispenza says that most people by 35 years old are the way they are going to be for the rest of their lives. So instead of identifying with "I’m a bad dancer, I’m a bad singer," I can learn to enjoy myself and accept that I’m not a professional at these things, and that’s OK. 

When I really assess my life, how much of my likes and dislikes are based on those dumb interactions from 25 years ago, that never even mattered… it’s not the way I want to live. Who cares if I dance terribly at a friend’s wedding?

The “cool girl” in me wants to make sure you understand that, I’m not weak or anything… and I haven’t thought about these things in years. I’m too cool and busy to think about a school dance from sixth grade in which I wore flare pants with orange flames up the legs – that’s exactly what I mean— this defense mechanism is so ingrained into my personality. Who gives a fuck if you find it cringe that I was hurt by something as a child… I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!! haha, see that’s the freaking personality developed from coping mechanisms.

Another example is I can’t ride a bike… I was extremely poor as a kid, and my father lived with my stepmom and her kids. He had gotten her kids bikes before me… it was such an issue, and finally, I got a bike. But I was never able to be vulnerable. This substack is probably the most vulnerable I’ve been… and learning how to do something new is extremely vulnerable. When I was riding a bike, everybody was just focusing on my younger brother, who is also learning. When we took off the training wheels, I fell. I’m sure my siblings were laughing, who wouldn’t? And I never rode the bike again. That’s where this "I’m too cool" self-protector came from but also became a rejector because then I am so afraid of being embarrassed that I never try things that I am not good at.

If we can go even deeper into my psyche, like in the movie "The Cell." It’s actually the guilt and shame that I've secretly been carrying—feeling ashamed that I didn’t perceive myself as having a loving family. As an adult, of course, I know they loved me. But now staring these demons in the face, I realize I was ashamed that someone might find out that I wasn’t lovable.

And, of course, I never consciously ever thought that I was not lovable, but that feral child, that innocent soul fractal, is working with the core impressions of this life. It creates an even bigger dissociation in me when I look at my life, and I have countless friends and acquaintances. Again, I am a Leo… so we can’t fully blame it on the demons… but I’m sure it played a big part in the reason why I am so friendly and social with everyone.

I hear autistic people talk about masking, but I think we are all doing it. Our personalities are masking if we can be truly honest with ourselves.

When you get into the teachings of Carl Jung, in the center of the famous diagram, we have the self, the true self—that’s your soul, the deeper self, the real self.

On the outer level, we have our persona. There are many different personas in each of us—from your customer service voice when you answer the phone at work to the way you are with your work bestie or how you are with a sibling… we are aware of our many personas. Some people even name their personas, sometimes those personas are famous, and sometimes they live a simple life.

Those different personas come together as the ego. The ego isn’t a bad thing; the ego is neutral. It’s the idea that you are the name/body you are in this lifetime. The ego can be bad when someone becomes obsessed with their identity or even an imagined identity.

The lower half of his diagram is about the unconscious aspects of ourselves—the opposite of the ego is the shadow.

Most simply, the shadow is the parts of ourselves that we are unaware of—the most shadowy way to describe it would be this long post. Thanks for holding out, guys; I’m wrapping up. It’s like my guides are giving me the light to tell me my time’s up for this post. I can break down complex information in minutes, but Brittany’s story awakened something in me that I couldn’t see.

I apologize if this excerpt into my shadow work and this window peering into my soul awakens something in you. Maybe your demons, maybe you don’t resonate with that word; maybe after this, you’re willing to do a reassessment of your personality. How much of it was created to protect you, and do you still need that protection? Aren’t there better ways to protect yourself now?

How about a reassessment of your likes and dislikes… if you gave some extra thought into the reason you don’t dance, you don’t sing, you don’t speak up when the barista gives you iced instead of hot, you don’t tell that friend how much they mean to you, you stay on the dock and watch others have fun because you don’t want to get your hair wet— how much of this is rooted in little parts of yourself that got off track along the way?

I truly understand why Carl Jung depicts the shadow as the polar opposite of the ego in his diagram. Before this, I felt like it made more sense to be opposite the persona… but then to peel back another layer of my shadow that had even disguised itself from me for so long—- it really is opposite of the ego. Opposite of my actual idea of who I thought I was.

In fact, my ego is completely shocked that this has been here all along because I thought I squished any self-worth issues when I was a rebellious teen, even further in my early 20s, so many times over in the last 15 years… I’ve done countless courses and mental, psychological, and spiritual techniques… all while believing I had conquered a lot of my demons. I wouldn't have been able to get here without that. but the level of honesty that I can be with myself now I can see that there’s a part of my shadow that was so big that it actually blended with the background, and I had been viewing my life through this shadow.

During my ayahuasca ceremony over the summer, I experienced a complete ego death where I was not sure if I was ever going to exist as Jenn again. It was different than dying; I forgot I existed… then remembered I existed and got scared I didn't know how to find my way back. Jenn did not exist because my consciousness creates her, and I completely forgot how to create Jenn again… it was probably only a couple of minutes, but it felt like the entire length of the universe.

One of the shaman’s helpers came over to help me and assured me, “sister, you are in the sacred space. Come back to your breath and connect with Mother Earth.”

Still frantic, I trusted him with my life! So I took his advice because he literally just saved my life. So I started to breathe and collapsed onto the grass with my face getting poked by the freshly trimmed grass.

For one moment, I had complete clarity and thought, “The reason I don’t like camping and nature and getting dirty or muddy or sandy… it’s because deep down in some weird way, I felt unworthy of Mother Earth’s love and greatness.”

Only in those first moments back in my Ego of being Jenn—was I able to understand something so simple. That seed eventually bloomed into where I am now. I felt like it was my personality as a city person; I don’t like the messiness and unpredictability of nature. This is why I love the grey aliens because they are like eww why live on a dirty unpredictable planet with weather when I could have a ship that’s perfect conditions all the time and can go anywhere I want. Lol, that’s a conversation for another day— what the hell happened with the alien soul exchange I experienced? That’s for another day! For now, I’m heading over to Chelsea’s to release this thing once and for all.

THE NEXT DAY:

Ok—I did it. Wow. I need to process what just happened… I knew Chelsea was gifted and thoroughly trained in shamanic and integrative healing work but WOW… All I will say is —- I CANNOT BELIEVE WE BOTH SAW THE SAME THINGS IN OUR MINDS. WE DEFINITELY CONFRONTED THE SAME THING. I apologize but I can’t edit this post or maybe ever read it again, I did most of the editing leading up to the healing if there’s anything I missed… I’M STILL AT WOW.